Conditioning and Lifestyle

I grew up (and continue to grow, as I still live here) in a household where my parents normally sleep off at 930pm. Lights are out usually by 9pm sometimes even 830pm - on a really good day. They wake-up by 530. 630am or 7am on a holiday.

The routine isn't imposed on me anymore because of my working culture also that I'm an adult now. But back then when it was imposed, I more than willingly participated. It only felt natural to set your body down and time it to the sun rise and setting as opposed to being a night person.

Not saying that the latter is bad, just that being a morning person seemed more natural to me.

Now the conditioning part of this story. As an adult my lifestyle changes demands I stay up at 'ungodly' hours and ultimately wake-up late.

Initially my parents did hate the fact that I used to wake up after 7am (god forbid) .

Now that I am not forced and allowed to be as is. A part of me inside is so torn. I feel guilty every single day when I wake up at 9am or even 8am. I wake up feeling I have failed already and wasted some hours and rest of the day is a waste.

And after 8pm I feel again the day is done. I can't start any new task.

It seems that I am feeling claustrophobic in this form of conditioning and my lifestyle. Where I'm no longer a morning or a night person. Just a person stuck in a rut.